Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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