i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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