also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
