what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
