I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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