They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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