Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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