Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
