I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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