My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
