Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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