I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
