Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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