Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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