you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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