My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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