I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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