you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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