Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
