Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
