My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
