So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
