I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
