Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
