I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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