u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I skipped work to stalk him.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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