I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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