can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
