I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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