Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
