I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
