i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
