Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
