All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
