my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
