I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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