I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
