When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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