First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
