That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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