OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
