we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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