you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
worst night to have a conscience
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
