My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
