Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
