this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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