I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
