Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
