i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
