This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
