thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
