Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
